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  • Stefania Pönitz

Comforting Darkness

Bijgewerkt op: 24 apr. 2020

Previously published by Harness Magazine, May 21, 2017

Statements made by Dutch mental health care professionals while I was looking for help dealing with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:

While I was attempting to be committed to a psych ward: You are trying to manipulate the system. You just want free housing. This is not the place for you because you have too much insight into your problems.

During an intake/diagnostic session: You are talking about your traumas like they are exciting stories. It is very hard to take you seriously. I do not believe you are traumatized.

During a session I expressed anger I still felt towards an abuser: Well if you are still upset about that after all these years, there must be something wrong with your personality!

At a battered women shelter: I am not getting a PTSD vibe from you. I think you are lying about the danger you faced. I think you are using hard drugs.

The only statement that is true, is that there is something wrong with my personality. I had already told them about that. My personality broke into pieces when I was traumatized. Unfortunately, the existence of these traumas and the consequences thereof were denied time and time again. It caused me to be frustrated on top of everything I was already going through, what is opposite to what you would expect therapy to be. Damaging statements like these uttered by professionals to people in their time of need can have devastating consequences. This can easily be prevented by putting empathy first but there are dangers of therapy that are far more complex then these callous remarks.

The opening statements of this article are taken from my life when I was around 30 years old. I had already become an aura healing- and reading therapist and returning to the world of mental health care for help was unfathomable. This speaks to the despair I was in at the time. I had been reeling with fear 24/7 for 5 months straight and had completely collapsed as a result of that. I was hardly able to walk, talk, eat or do anything. My emotions had been bothering me as long as I could remember. All throughout my childhood I was sent to and sought out help via school, the mental health care system and other designated institutions. Similar statements as the ones I opened this article with were common practice. I took these professionals seriously for many years and worked hard following their advice but never made any progress, it left me feeling disappointed, humiliated and hopeless.

Luckily I discovered alternative healing practices, it was a huge relief to find understanding people that made a lot of sense and treatments that were beneficial in just one session. It was everything I expected the health care system would be. It inspired me to become an alternative therapist myself. After many years of training I still had some questions so I focused all my energy on a. figuring out how emotions worked and b. harmonizing the core of human beings. It took me a few years to develop programs for both of them. Both the clients in my private practice at the time and I made great progress using these programs. After I worked through the emotions that weighed heavily on my soul I found a tranquil place in myself. Unfortunately my new found peace of mind was brutally disrupted when 20 year old suppressed traumas rushed to the surface. I was convinced it would take me a maximum of 3 months to work through these traumas with my programs. Yet after 5 months I was still experiencing non-stop fear and I completely crashed. I lost faith in myself and my programs and returned to the mental health care professionals accepting my defeat. Maybe I didn’t have all the answers maybe they did know better.

The dangers of trauma

A trauma is a huge emotion that enters the human body, mind and energy system like a bomb and wreaks havoc all around. This does not happen with your garden variety emotion. In my case, my personality got destroyed alongside my emotional system. Immediately after a traumatic event that occurred when I was eight years old I had a dialog with myself which led me to the conclusion that everything I did, said and wanted caused me pain. I couldn’t think of any other way to move forward then to let go of everything that came naturally to me and fully adjust to what people of authority expected of me. Even though this conclusion was reached after one traumatic event, it were the years of fear, confusion, threat and doubt I experienced in the years leading up to this event that laid the foundation for this conclusion. The trauma was the straw that broke the camel’s back. For years I disguised my true self and brought forward behavior I thought others wanted to see until I forgot this split in my personality had ever occurred.

Before the trauma occurred I experienced feelings of unsafety on a regular basis but in general I felt relaxed and safe. After the trauma I was in a constant state of vigilance. When I got traumatized again one year later I developed agora phobia. Safety, relaxation and health are the pillars of the human foundation. My healthy foundation was completely destroyed. Lies, manipulations and aggression slowly crept into me in order to veil my true self, to hide my weaknesses and on rare occasions push my own agenda. I got entangled in lies, sincerity, a fake foundation, a fake personality, extreme emotional high’s and low’s often changing several times a day and a depression that would last the 10 years of my remaining childhood. In short I became a house of cards. This house of cards would collapse on a regular basis.

The dangers of therapy

How can you safely break down a house of cards while building a real house in the same place at the same time? Working through the emotions of trauma alone is not without unbearable mental suffering that in most cases is accompanied by a (temporary) depression. To counter the depression a lot of validation, praise, self-worth, love and acceptance is needed. How do you install self-worth in someone that doesn’t know who he is? How positive can you be towards someone in a depression without offending them and causing them to withdraw? How do you build safety and manifestation while someone’s health is down the drain? Sure these are all normal questions that can be in raised in therapy and individually they can be answered quite easily but when they are all put together it becomes a risky affair.

Comforting darkness

There is no answer to the question how we can safely break down a house of cards while building a real house in the same place at the same time. The inevitable collapse of the house of cards is a part of the healing process and goes hand in hand with feelings of despair. Support and empathy are most important during these times. This support can be found in (online) support groups for (c)-PTSD. People in these support groups are looking for a positive message, a solution, an end date for their injury but they realize that these desires often times can’t be fulfilled. So they take comfort in words like; that’s terrible, I don’t know what you can do about that either and I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through. When they hear more severe survival stories then their own it gives them hope because if those people are still standing maybe they can go on another day. They feel validated when they discover others also have a list of physical and mental complaints as a result of (c)-PTSD. Knowing they are not alone and somebody actually understands them is priceless. They find comfort in this reality however dark it may be. It is in these support groups I found out that my story of deplorable mental health care is not one that is unique to the Netherlands but it is a worldwide phenomenon. Everybody that works with people who have encountered trauma would be wise to study these support groups.


In fear of being sued a lot of therapists don’t work with trauma victims. Or when a client dissociates or has an intense emotional response

during the first therapy session, the therapist breaks off the therapy and the client is on their own again. I had a suicidal client years ago that was forced to sign a declaration with her previous psychologist that she would not commit suicide. When she kept expressing suicidal thoughts

therapy was stopped. When I begged to be committed to a psych ward I also expressed I had suicidal thoughts and I was refused service. I am also afraid of being sued if my clients are a danger to themselves or others. The responsibility is on the therapists and to cover their behinds they abandon people that most need their help.

How to proceed?

Disillusioned again after not getting the help I needed from the mental health care system I returned to my programs. After years of physical rest, working with my programs, working out and switching to clean eating and adding supplements I regained most of my energy. The emotional triggers and nightmares that burdened me heavily rarely occur. The fear that manifested in my body as tension and caused unbearable pain for 15 years is a thing of the past. My foundation is still wobbly and the healing process moves ahead slowly.

The last few months I have been thinking a lot about if and how I should carry on spreading knowledge about emotional recovery. The fear that others will collapse while breaking down their house of cards is immense. Before I worked with my programs my life was a lot harder that is why I have decided to go on with my mission to teach emotional harmony to the world. Knowledge about emotions should be embedded in all of us just like thinking and eating. Good guidance and being aware of the risks should be mandatory. It’s important that people know there is support out there. Many countries have support hotlines and the internet is filled with worldwide support groups that have someone ready to be supportive and listen to you at all hours of the day. Reaching out to doctors and psych wards can be appropriate and does not have to be a bad experience.

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