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  • Stefania Pönitz

Anger as a secondary emotion

This blog was posted on March 14, 2019 under its original title: How to crumble your anger in seconds, on

If you have been struggling with your anger for years you might think crumbling your anger in seconds is utterly impossible. It is possible but there is a hurdle to climb. Anger is a symptom of a wrecking ball hitting your foundation.

Your foundation consists of four pillars:

  • Being able to create safety for yourself (who and what are you letting into your life)

  • Being able to relax (letting go of thoughts, emotions and spiritual conundrums)

  • Being able to manage your health as in food intake, movement and posture

  • Being able to manifest your goals (legacy, what are you leaving behind

In life or death situations our anger pumps up our testosterone production and decreases our stress response hormones so we are ready to go to war. When someone knocks over your glass of water, spilling it all over the work you have been doing for the last few days, it is super annoying but it is a pretty bad reason to beat someone half to death so there is a time and a place for anger. In life or death situations and severe abuse let us say yes to anger and in every other situation let us say no!

Let us take another look at our foundation, when any of these pillars are hit we can imagine having an angry response:

  • A person you keep letting into your life has been verbally abusive to you again

  • Your neighbor makes noise all the time making it hard for you to relax

  • Your office chair broke and now you have to sit in the shitty chair that forces you into a bad posture bringing that hernia one step closer every time you sit in it

  • Board members conspired against you to smear your name in order to vote out your successful and low-cost project that reflected poorly on them because they could only come up with costly projects that had little to no impact

All of these examples (that got awfully specific at the end ;) ) are a hit to our foundation and have a direct impact on our safety, health, relaxation and our legacy. This is why any infringement of our foundation has such a deep impact on us. Will anger help you in any of these situations? No. Would anger be a justified response? One could argue that successfully.

Let us take this to a deeper level

If we pop open the hood of our anger we see that foundation again. The foundation has been endangered and it might even be damaged. When we lose our ability to relax, even for a moment, that is where our anger has the ability to kick in. No one has ever been enraged and relaxed at the same time. Losing your chilled out vibe is totally fine please do not misunderstand what I am saying and it is a completely natural response in any of these cases. When one pillar of the foundation is under strain it effects all the other pillars. So what could we do when faced with a situation like this? We need to develop a deep awareness of our foundation and safety plays a huge part in that. When we do not feel safe, we feel scared, vulnerable and exposed. Who enjoys feeling vulnerable? Sure it is great when you can hold on tight to the person you love most in this life, that is the indescribable beauty of vulnerability, the positive side of vulnerability so to speak.

Can we have the beauty and intimacy of vulnerability without confronting the difficult side of vulnerability?

No, because we would not be able to create the circumstances wherein a relationship like that could be fostered over a long period of time. People as the main predator in our world today, have an absolute disdain for weakness, from ourselves and from others. This disdain is baked into the cake, it is not your fault and you are not a horrible person because of it. It is good to be aware of it though. When we detect vulnerability in ourselves, the immediate response seems to be, let us hide it from everybody else. When you are near tears and in public where your display of vulnerability can very well result in the loss of status, what do you do? Will you show strength by banging your fist on the table in anger or will you have a public meltdown? Right, if you are able to suppress that meltdown and you will do everything in your power to achieve that you will get angry and show people how powerful you are.

In a private situation we are also likely to choose anger, if this is a subconscious effort or not, we prefer the feeling of power over vulnerability. We are not going to face our fears and our sadness if we can go around banging ourselves on the chest. So what to do? Be honest towards yourself (you don’t have to tell others ;) ) and figure out what is the deepest emotion you can detect?

Let us take a look at the deeper layers of the previously given examples of the infringement of the foundation.

This person is a danger to you, stop letting them in! Why do you keep allowing this person in?

  • You are afraid that the person will not like you anymore

  • By being not liked you will feel excluded, this can make you feel sad, alone and vulnerable

Your neighbor makes noise all the time and is not the be reasoned with. You are constantly confronted with a person you do not like in the privacy of your home. How do you really feel?

  • You are no longer able to enjoy your living arrangement and you are afraid you will not get the rest and pleasure you expected to have in the privacy of your home

  • It saddens you deeply after all the effort you put into making this a home and all the money you spend that some rando can ruin this for you

How do you really feel about the chance of a hernia?

  • You are scared out of your mind for the pain and further negative consequences to your foundation and therefore your whole life

How do you really feel about the political games that were played in the boardroom?

  • You are scared that you are not able to reach the people you were planning on helping

  • Having a vision and executing that vision was part of your legacy it filled you with joy. The chance of that joy and your legacy being taken away from you is deeply saddening

Fear and sadness are what is really going on. When our anger rises and we do not find ourselves in a life or death situation, we need to teach ourselves to pass on the wave of anger and to realize that we are hurt and or afraid. As soon as you realize what scares and or saddens you in the particular situation you find yourself in, your anger crumbles and that can literally be in seconds. This can take some practice. Unfortunately, that is not the end of the story. It is all well and good to crumble your anger but what to do with that fear and sadness that remain?

You were thinking you had an anger management problem but no you have a fear and sadness problem. I know it sounds depressing AF but by diving into your vulnerabilities you can learn deep lessons about who you are as a person. Wisdom can certainly come from books but you are a massive lesson all by yourself. That is why the phrase: know yourself and you will know the world has been found, in one form or another, all over the world going back thousands of years.

By feeling your emotions you can process them. Emotions are very similar to food in that way. You have to take them in completely so you can absorb the nutrients. Emotions are mental and spiritual nutrients but only when you are willing to face and process them.

How to start processing your emotions?

Close your eyes.

Take a few deep breaths.

Recite calmly and with loving attention inside yourself, I am open towards my fear (or sadness) regarding …..

For the first time, I would advise to do the reciting part for 5 to 10 minutes.

Give it a week to let the process do its work, try not to resist against it.


Anger arises when our foundation gets impacted. Our foundation exists of four pillars. Safety plays a large part in our foundation. When our safety gets threatened but we do not find ourselves in a life or death situation we must examine what is hiding beneath the anger. Beneath the anger, fear and sadness are hiding and as soon as we realize that our anger crumbles immediately. Unfortunately, this is only the beginning of the road to process the emotions of fear and sadness. You can start processing your emotions by the exercise provided to you in this blog and please check out additional information in the link below.

Additional resources

If you want to have an in-depth look into processing emotions please check out The Big Emotion Blog. In The Big Emotion Blog, the entire emotional process is broken down, you will get more tips on how to maximize the exercise so you can start having a harmonious emotional life, you will learn to differentiate between trauma and emotions and you will get a clear view of suppressed emotions and the impact they have on you. Go to the big emotion blog right now at right here on

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